Now that I have a daughter, I have realized the importance of forming a bond with Santa Claus, the mystical being who makes fancy toys and brings them to good girls and boys around the world. I’m not one for rubbing elbows with celebrities, but this is a serious matter — how could I best ensure my sweet Lucina gets all of the presents she deserves? I had to do something, so I reached out to a few contacts from my days as a newspaper reporter. We’re talking real insider government-official types here, you know, the people who know people. No one could make any promises, so I went about my business and waited. And waited.
And then came a knock on our front door. We weren’t expecting company, but people often stop by unannounced so I didn’t think much of it. I opened the door and there he was — tall, round, and sporting a beard that wouldn’t quit. I expected him to be sparkly or something, but instead he was simply rosy. So rosy, in fact, that his entire being emanated rosiness the way a wood stove emanates heat.
I realized I was staring when he quickly looked around, leaned forward, and said “Are you going to let me in or what? I really shouldn’t be seen like this.”
Fair enough. I let him in and he immediately took to Lucina, who seemed only moderately aware of his presence. I, on the other hand, had questions. Lots of them. Who is this guy? Why does he do what he does? Is that his only suit?
After some brief small talk I fired away a Q and A session with the real Santa Claus. If you want to meet him yourself, head to Santa’s Workshop in the North Pole. The little ones can sit on his lap and even make toys in Santa’s toy workshop, just don’t expect him to answer this many questions if you go there!
Q: What’s your real name?
A: It’s actually Arthur Gustavus Cornwall the Third. Ho-ho-ho! Why, it’s Santa Claus, of course!
Q: Have you always been Santa Claus?
A: Well, as the old saying goes, once a Claus, always a Claus! Yes, young man, I have always been and always will be the one and only Santa Claus.
Q: How did that happen? Why is there a Santa Claus?
A: You probably aren’t old enough to remember this, but back around the dawn of time there were many, many forces at work shaping the universe as we know it. There had to be balance, something to keep all you curious people in line, and thus I came along to keep tabs on all the little ones. I’m like a big jolly paparazzo, but not nearly as creepy ho-ho-ho!
Q: What’s with the lump of coal thing? Do you still do that?
A: Coal is so 1850s, don’t you agree? No, no, no, these days I’ve gone green and now all naughty little girls and boys get a Spice Girls cassette in their stockings.
Q: So how is your sleigh powered? I always assumed it was coal.
A: Oh ho-ho-ho, my goodness, no! My reindeer pull it along, of course, and all I can say about how that works is you have to believe in magic.
Q: How do you make brand name toys in your workshop? Aren’t there copyright laws for that sort of thing?
A: Do you have any cookies, young man?
Q: Um, sure. (At this point I fetched a plate of cookies from the kitchen.)
A: Ah, delicious cookies!
Q: So, how about that last question? How do you make brand name toys in your workshop?
A: All I can say about that is Mrs. Claus is quite the negotiator. If I say any more, I’d be violating about 10,000 non-disclosure agreements, and that would mean no more cookies for me ho-ho-ho!
Q: You work for cookies?
A: I live for cookies.
Q: Last question: Do you have a message for Lucina, or any of the other little girls and boys out there, about how to be good?
A: As a matter of fact, I do! Little girls and boys, it isn’t about getting presents, or even about being good or bad, it’s about doing the right thing. And that isn’t just in the spirit of the holidays, it’s in the spirit of being a good, compassionate person. Be kind to each other and always be considerate of others. You see, some little girls and boys don’t have things as easy as others and that’s OK. As long as we reach out to help whomever we can, no one will get a Spice Girls cassette in their stocking ever again!
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